The emotional rollercoaster of care decisi...

Last Updated: May 27, 2025

Beth Britton writes about the range of emotions a family may feel when they are considering a care home for a loved one, and how to cope through the process of finding care

I don’t think it’s overstating a fact to say that moving a loved one into a care home is a huge moment in the life of that person and their family. Despite the modernisation of many care homes and the fantastic support so many provide, residential care still has a stigma attached to it for many people. Even if you never saw the 90’s BBC sitcom ‘Waiting for God’ that depicted two elderly people determined to grow old disgracefully in their retirement home, many people still associate care homes with places that people go into and don’t come out of. Indeed a recent poll by Sanctuary Care suggested one in seven over 60’s would resist moving into a care home.

These thoughts often plague families who are facing the realisation that their loved one is struggling to live in their own home. The reasons for needing a care home can be many and varied and include advancing health conditions, loss of mobility, family not being able to provide care or the challenges of obtaining good quality, professional home care support. In my dad’s case, he’d gone into hospital having collapsed from a stroke, and whilst being rehabilitated his doctors and social worker took the decision he couldn’t return home (he would be a danger to himself and others they said) and would have to move into a care home.

As a result, the decision to move dad into a care home was taken out of our hands (we had no Power of Attorney). But what if you are in a position where, as a family member, you need to make that decision yourself – How does that feel and how do you cope?

Fear, guilt and all the other emotions

Caring for a loved one, whether you are near or far, is an emotional rollercoaster at the best of times. When things are breaking down at home, arrangements (like for example home care support) aren’t working, circumstances are conspiring against you (perhaps your loved one is in hospital) and decisions about the future have to be made, it’s completely normal to feel like that rollercoaster is turning you inside out.

You may feel a range of emotions throughout that decision-making process, from fear to guilt, anger to relief, with a huge amount of stress and worry to cope with alongside your emotions. Know that however you feel, others have felt and are feeling the same way when they reach these momentous moments. I know we felt utterly bewildered by the process of my dad going into a care home, and it was a time of copious tears mixed with steely determination to try and get things right for him. It’s a really tough process, so be kind to yourself and reach out for support from the organisations listed at the end of this blog.

Questions you might have:

Am I doing the right thing?

The biggest question every family member probably debates with themselves is the one about doing the right thing. We all want to get things right for the person we love and we hate the idea of making a mistake.

To be as informed as possible:

Source information on your loved one’s health and prognosis from more than one healthcare professional if the reason for potentially moving into a care home is because of a deteriorating health condition(s).
Explore all social care options with someone well-informed about this (your social worker for example). Alternatives to a care home include increased homecare visits or live-in care. You can search Care Choices website for a range of social care provision, or find details of organisations who can advise on your options. There are also numerous organisations and resources listed at the end of this blog to help you further.

My loved one is my spouse – Am I breaking my vows to consider a care home move?

If you’re married or in a partnership with the person who is potentially going to move into a care home, your feelings may be compounded by going back to your vows of ‘In sickness and in health, until death us do part’. You may feel you are somehow letting your spouse or partner down, that they would do things differently if the roles were reversed, and that even thinking about them moving into a care home is somehow a betrayal.

We don’t like to face up to these feelings, but they are real for many people and need acknowledging as being normal. They also need to be understood and supported. Every person and situation is unique. Every spouse or partner does the best they can, but many reach a point where either their loved one’s health, their own health, the lack of professional support at home or the lack of suitability of the accommodation defeats them. This doesn’t mean you’re someone who ‘can’t cope’ or isn’t ‘good enough’ – sometimes the best thing for everyone is to admit that you need more help than you currently have. That isn’t a failure or something anyone should reproach themselves for. We do what we can for as long as we can, and sometimes that cannot be through until the end of the person’s life as their full-time carer.

We don’t all agree as a family about our loved one going into a care home. How do we resolve this?

It may be that family members don’t agree on the best way forward for a loved one. Some may be against a care home move, and may even accuse other family members of wanting an ‘easy way out’ by considering a care home. Others may be undecided, or may be actively wondering: ‘How do I get my elderly relative into a care home’. This range of viewpoints can make decision making particularly hard.

If the person needing care has capacity, then they will ultimately make the decision themselves. If the person needing care doesn’t have capacity to make their own decision, and family members can’t agree with professionals or don’t have the authority through a Power of Attorney, Best Interests decision-making will be needed. It would be advisable to source an Independent Advocate (See my Care Choices blog ‘The vital role of advocacy’) to represent the person needing care so that their views are fully incorporated into the decision-making process.

How do I cope from a practical perspective when my loved one moves into a care home?

I view coping with this change in two phases:

The preparatory phase

This is when you’re making the decision and trying to finalise arrangements. This should involve visiting different care homes, ideally with your loved one if they are well enough to participate in this process (IE, not in hospital), and making the decision (ideally together) that your heart wants you to go with. Avoid being seduced by how a care home looks – its first and foremost the quality of care, opportunities for enrichment, and promotion of wellbeing that should be your number one priorities. Beware of any care homes that have specific ‘visiting times’ – you should be able to see your relative at any time. Understand all the ways in which families are supported by the provider and encouraged to maintain their relationships with their loved ones. Speak to family members of existing residents if you can. Understand how you can be part of care home life and seek to actively embrace that by aiming to join any relatives’ groups that are offered. Consider committing firstly to a respite stay so you can see how the move goes if you’re still undecided. Work with the care home and your loved one to draft their first care plan prior to admission.

The second phase

This is after your loved one moves into their care home. This period is about embracing what I’ve said above, alongside finding support outside of care home life for you. If you’ve been caring for your loved one at home, you will feel the loss of their presence very acutely. Try to find ways to fill some of that time and space with friends and family, hobbies and interests to keep you busy when you’re not involved in care home life. Beware of isolation and loneliness – don’t cut yourself off from others and try to remain as socially connected as possible.